1. |
if i left
06:18
|
|||
|
i know i don't love you
the way that you want me to
i'm not an ache in your bones
but the comfort of home
like books on a shelf
arranged in our sense of selves
come to rest
on your side of bed
i know there's a chaos
that you want instead
of a quiet
where nothing needs to be said
i don't want to hurt you
i just want to know that i could
if i left (if i left, if i left)
i don't want to hurt you
i just want to know that it would
if i left (if i left, if i left)
the worst part of me thinks you'd be fine with the silence
instead of bereft
i know you can't love me
the way that you want me to
you'll never be a match
burning up and consumed
set fire to the rooms
let them fill up with smoke
while we sleep and i dream of you
i don't want to hurt you
i just want to know that i could
if i left (if i left, if i left)
i don't want to hurt you
i just want to know that it would
if i left (if i left, if i left)
the worst part of me thinks you'd be fine with the silence
instead of bereft
love is not constantly worrying that you've made the worst choice of your life
love is not a debt to be paid back with suffering and sacrifice
i know it's wrong
i know it's wrong
i know it's wrong
|
||||
2. |
no comfort
06:01
|
|||
|
I can’t be trusted with your heart
I am built of edges, jagged and sharp
If you get too close I always draw blood
My tight grasp on hope will never be love
I don’t have the words for what I want
I can only say it will never be enough
So I say nothing
Nothing at all
Until it leaves me with nothing
Nothing at all
I can’t be trusted with your heart
Tallying your petty cruelties and harms
Comparing the width and depth of our scars
It always was an arms race to fall back my arms
No matter how persistent,
its always insufficient
My love is an attrition
An act of wishful thinking
An oath with an omission
An Inevitable division
A list of my conditions
I write it up and revisit
As I grow indifferent
I’ll only see what is missing
No peace in my insistence
On how this ends
As I grow cold and distant
I’ll only see how we’re different
No comfort in my conviction
That you love me
And how I can’t forgive it
|
||||
3. |
in the dark
05:49
|
|||
|
i can’t stand to look at my own hands
i inherited them from you
remember the acts of love
and terror that you made them do
i don’t think i’ll ever see these hands as mine
until the day comes when
i get the call that you’ve died
and maybe not even then
maybe not even then.
if not me, then who will love you?
no one who knows you
or the deepest secrets in your heart
if not me, then who will love you?
no one who knows you
for what you’ve done in the dark
i can’t be left with my own thoughts
keep my hands busy, don’t get caught up in remembrance or defensiveness
did i ever even say no?
did i ever say no?
it sits at the edge of my teeth
my body betrays me
with an answer i don’t even want to know
i don’t even want to know
if not me, then who will love you?
no one who knows you
or the deepest secrets in your heart
if not me, then who will love you?
no one who knows you
for what you’ve done in the dark
a mother, an abstract thing
when it’s not excruciating
it’s a dull ache where love should be
how my hands shake
when the telephone rings
|
||||
4. |
||||
|
pastel hues
hiding black and blue
i’ve seen your anger
i’ve seen the real you
all eyes on you
everyone knows you’re a star
but when the doors are locked
we know who you really are
driven by ego
motivated by pride
the higher up you climb
the further down you’ll fall
i’ve got a plan for you
i’m gonna take you down
and when the dust has fallen
you will curse my name
all the pain you’ve caused
the damage in your wake
kill every beautiful thing
kicking sand in my face
behind your velvet rope
you think you know the score
you’ve been playing games
i want all out war
you can’t hide from me
i will expose your crimes
what you’ve hid in shadows
i’ll be the ray of light
no martyr treatment
they will erase your name
a cleansing storm is coming
your power is washed away
reap what you’ve sown
|
||||
5. |
dead air
06:55
|
|||
|
i’ve got these words in my mouth
they’re dry like sawdust and
i can’t spit them out
after so long retracting them all
i ground down my teeth, unhinged my jaw
to make a silence so loud
i don’t know what more you want
but to lie and divide
it’s an echo in an echo chamber
but your voice is like mine
there’s nothing fair in a fight you keep a secret
if this is how you love then you can keep it
remember after everything that this was your choice
you can keep your echoes and pretend they are a voice
i’ll remember
oh, i’ll remember
i’ve got this blood on my teeth
from biting my tongue
for so long i believed
that there was reason for hope
how the words caught in my throat
weighed down with an ache
of the things i never spoke
when you lie to yourselves
it’s an input to a feedback loop
where you hear nothing else
there’s nothing fair in a fight that you keep hidden
if this is how you love, i won’t forgive it
remember after everything that this was your choice
you can keep your echoes and pretend they are a voice
i’ll remember
oh, i’ll remember
i’ll remember what you destroyed
you are static, dead air and noise
|
||||
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